crayoned thoughts

"If I look back, I am lost" ~Daenerys Targaryen, A Song of Fire and Ice. Really, it absolutely tells my state of being right now. Looking back, I remembered how well he made me feel being loved. We were so cool. Love's been undemanding. We were so supportive of each other. We were happy. I was the greatest match ever for him. And then something suddenly happened. He said he would try to prove he can live without me. Of course, he can! But what's a relationship for if you'd have a mindset like that. I can live without him too, but why would I. I chose to be with him. But for him, he CHOSE to go on without me. He did not stick through the end. He... :( Love has been lost. Love faded and died. He fell out of it. It is said that, "Love does not die easily. It is a living thing. It thrives in the face of all life's hazards, save one: neglect". Have I been neglected? Or have I neglected him?  Have I neglected US?  If I look back, I am lost. ...

A prominent scar in the lower right area of his face. A birth mark or must have been a scar left from burns. He must have been in his late 20s or early 30s, can't specifically tell. He looks older but I can tell he's not that old yet. Skin is dark from too much sun exposure. Hair is wavy, dry and dirty. He seems like drunk or high on drugs in at least those times that I get to ride in his trike. And he talks, always talks, rubbish, filthy, inappropriate things. I tried to shrug off the fears thinking how can he do harm to me when there are so many eyes who can pinpoint him anytime. Every time I get to be his passenger, he says to no one in particular, "Ako sa ni ihatud akong asawa ha" (I’ll just take my wife to home ha). It's giving me a very disgusting shiver! The nerves! But I say nothing as always. And just pretend that I didn't hear anything at all. They are many actually. I guess they haven't seen a girl in their whole lives that wheneve...

I am writing this letter to share my feelings... hoping to sort my thoughts out, hoping to understand what's happening, hoping for everything to be alright... Dear My Turtle, 1. Anger... I don't like what's happening in our relationship now. I felt like it's getting worst. I am frustrated, feeling that it's only me who is working to make this all okay. I am angry that you seem to not taking any action to get back to me. I am annoyed by your disconnection and coldness. I am angry that you made me feel this way. 2. Sad... I am sad, so sad... I am sad knowing that you let this happen to us. I feel hurt for all of this disconnection. I feel so sad that you can make time for your new set of friends than make time with me. I am so sad that you don't want to be with me, that you are more excited to be with them and not with me, even excluding me totally out of the picture. I am so hurt... 3. Fear... I am afraid that you will totally stop caring. I am ...

Hey, it's been a long time. Sorry for being out for too long, for not taking time to write things to you. I'm back! Know what... the colors have been gloomy these days. It's been hard times. No, I'm not remembering you just because of these hard times. It's nothing like that. It's just that you are the only friend that I can think of right now. The only friend that I can turn to. You and Music. But Music is more like telling me what to do and what to feel. I've been feeling a lot lately. And I just wanted to have an outlet. Someone that I could talk to, someone to listen... not knowing, not judging, but just letting me be. I know you can give me that, CrayonedThoughts. Thank you! :) But in all of these, I'm looking forward to seeing Orange again, you know the warm and lively one.

If I were to take an exam with a question that goes something like "how do you feel today?” then I would definitely fail. Because I don't know what I am feeling right now. I could think of some words like irritated, confused, bothered... but I believe they're not quiet what I feel. Perhaps anxious. Anxious about what? – I do not know! I don't really know. Could someone please tell me? I would surely appreciate it! Okay, let's just charge this to you hormones. Yes, you, who, in a state of the art ability, never fails to make changes monthly. Maybe that would ease me knowing the reason why I feel what I'm feeling. Sometimes knowing why we feel some feelings helps us overcome it. And that's what I need right now. Suck it up, hormones!

How I miss you... I miss putting my nose on you. I miss your scent. I miss your hugs. I miss you! But you're miles away. It’d be three months of longing and missing; but also three whole months of feeling the excitement to be with you again. :) So right now, let me just listen to these songs that remind me of you. Songs that make me wanna jump and be held in you arms. Songs that make me fall in love with you over and over again. I'm drowning over this lyrics, "I'm dying inside to hold you..." because I am. But the song that really tops it all is Lovesong by The Cure. Thinking that... "Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again" and "However far away, I will always love you". :)) One of the bonds that keep us together is some good music... :)

I wonder how life would be without music. Where would we find a voice when words fail us? Where would we pour our lungs out when others can’t seem to notice our screams? Where would we find refuge when confusion stirs our hearts? Where would we find a song to turn to just to feel understood and never alone? Where? Where? Where? The wheres could go on… and I can just imagine such a sad and gloomy life. Thankfully, it isn’t. And that’s because we have Music! Thank you, Music. You’ve always been there to speak and listen. You’ve always been a shelter to rest upon this wary heart. Thank you for being with me on these days when you seem like my only friend. And you’ve been a good friend. These thoughts… my thoughts… here they are again. So now, let me blast you, so I won't hear them.

2 a.m. and sleep is a struggle, Outside it starts to drizzle, The supple bed's not been helpful, Nor the soft music, not at all. What occurred in the afternoon between 5 and 6 p.m., Seems like a fateful dream, Mind keeps repeating, The scene that's happening. At the park in my usual afternoon rest, You come and sit to me next, We just sit there not saying anything, Could have said something, but nothing. We watch the sun sets together, Delighting its beauty and wonder, Catching some breath that’s hard, Thinking had destiny dealt its card. After seems like a decade passed, You stand and leave fast, Feeling awed, never bad, Thinking, t’was the best conversation I ever had.