"The Tomato Syndrome"

Below is my Basic Speech Project #1 piece. I opted to remove personal facts though. :)

“Decide that you want it more than you’re afraid of it”, a line that has been my mantra these days.

I believe most of us have some things that we fear of, right? Me, I’m afraid to talk or speak in front of an audience.

Audience, guests, fellow toastmasters, ladies and gentlemen, good evening!

Speaking in front of many people has always been a dreadful situation for me. This is because of some physical effect. I call it “the tomato syndrome”. This is a self-diagnosed condition wherein when I am tense, my body temperature will rise. If I touch my skin, I could feel the hot flashes as if I’m burning. I will have rashes all over my body, especially on my face. And I will look like an almost rotten tomato.

I will have this some sort of allergic reaction when I get nervous. So I stay away from situations that would make me nervous. I excuse myself from spotlights, stage talks like this, for one.

And with that, my confidence had been crippled. Furthermore, a few could-have-beens and opportunities had been missed as well.

But you know I used to be the over-confident kid. In my elementary years, I always present myself in oral recitations, declamations, and in almost every school events that need a representative. I didn't fear it back then.

It must have been because I was raised to be independent and self-sufficient even as a kid.  We are not a well-off family. Mama and papa would have to work their asses off just to feed four hungry stomachs. So I didn't have the luxury of having a guardian attending to my needs all the time. I could take care of myself alone. And I could take care of my other siblings as well.

I was very confident. The tomato syndrome was already there but it did not bother me at all because after a minute, I would just be okay then.

High school came, adolescence stage – the time when all of us are tense in just anything. From seeing your crushes, to oral recitations, to class reporting. High school is where I have significantly noticed this condition.

I turned around whenever I saw my crush because if I would have a face-to-face (or worse a conversation) with him, I would turn red. OMG! Then recitations and any other oral participation became seldom until only when they were compulsory. Confidence level in this period of my life dropped. Thankfully, I survived high school.

During college entrance, a working student attending my entrance exam asked me if what course I should take. I asked him back, “What course doesn't have a lot of reporting and talking stuffs?” He answered IT or Computer Science. So I took up Computer Science.

But boy we were wrong! There was English 3 – Speech class! And I sucked. Coming to that class was a torture for me. I was a red tomato when I delivered my declamation piece for finals. And in my Management 1 subject, I was a red tomato when I delivered my report in front of the class. My instructor was so worried that he asked me to sit down and to cool off. Thankfully I survived college!

So here I am now in this company. After six years, still have my red fear. I could go on the list of my embarrassing tomato syndrome moments and this 6-minute speech will not be enough.

However along with those experiences is the learning that I have gained and I have known to be true.

Three things that I learned to be anti-reddening:

1.  Anti-histamines. I have consulted this with a doctor and was told that this is really some sort of an allergic reaction. I was advised to take anti-histamine when necessary. And magically I did not turn red on those necessary occasions.

2. Exercise. When I got myself actively running and participating in sports, I've noticed a significant change. The red flares become rare. Yehey!

3. On being tense – it’s getting used to. I have realized that all of those experiences where mostly first times. When I first had my conference meeting in this company, I was so red. But eventually, because we have to do it regularly, the red calls become rare also. Thus, I realized that it would just be a matter of getting used to in the spotlight. 

That is why I am here, in Toastmasters Club, toasting myself. I don’t expect that the reddening will go away. I have long accepted it to be a part of me. 

This is my way of overcoming the fear, not much of the reddening itself, but of being able to still face you, talk to you, speak in front of you, and pull off no matter how red I maybe. I want to gain my confidence back.

I have decided that I want it more than I’m afraid of it.