crayoned thoughts

She is strict and disciplined.  Absolutely not soft spoken and can become angry easily.  If something is not right in her eyes, she sure will tell (no, nag) you about it in a forceful voice and sometimes hurtful words. In my younger years, I had moments where I despised her very much.  When instead of embracing me for making it thru the running mad dogs, she made a gripo (faucet) out of my ribs by a full three-sixty-degree pinch.  I could not, for the life of me, understand why I got punished instead of gotten a hug. You see, she is some woman.  She’s often misunderstood.  She doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve, not the affectionate and touchy one.  Yet… she is strong... and brave.  Her way of nurturing is unconventional, not much cuddling for you, you must learn how to stand on your own.  She makes me do things independently and courageously.  I am forever in awe of how she instills self-sufficiency and resiliency in me.  I a...

Like playing the tug of war, he was pulling away trying to get a hold of that quest that he called space.  He clutched the end of the rope in a way where he’s all set to let loose.  And you, you tightened your grip, fighting to win him over.  But you knew you can’t keep holding on. Then the world fell apart and you’re exactly where you were on the afternoon you chose to let go. When you said the closure words and he just nodded his head and left without saying a word.

He was quietly sleeping for three long years.  He's been kept, but had become like one of those things you would put in a corner, unnoticed, ignored. For three long years, you’ve been trying to move on.  Trying so hard to forget all the bittersweet memories of the moments when he was all your world. Then one day, he suddenly woke up.  He emerged from that disregarded corner looking like a creature from some divine world.  Goddamn beautiful.  He came to you, “remember be, touch me”.  “Not fair”, was all you could say. After three silent years, your world trembled again.  You could not unnoticed him. You remembered him and all that he was. You mustered all your strength not to touch him, and you failed. And you were looking for that one exact word that would describe all the feelings that you felt all at once.

Time was never on our side,         though we are         to each other. You looked for me         at ten in the morning,         but I could not let you         find me. I looked for you         at four in the afternoon,         but you would not let me         find you. We may be         two same clocks,         but we just never beat         at the same time.

My Basic Speech Project #2 piece. Speech Title: The Silly Things Brief Description: The silly things I thought were true when I was little Did you as a child believe that if you swallowed a watermelon seed, it would grow inside your stomach and you would become a tree? Fellow toastmasters, guests, those who have creative and silly beliefs during their childhood, good evening! I had a few silly notions that I was so sure of when I was a kid.  Have you also believed before that if you swallowed a butong-pakwan, it would grow inside your stomach, and soon enough you would become a tree?  How about believing that people on TV shows lived inside the television?  Yes? Aside from these, can you think of at least three more things you thought were true when you were little? Okay, let me tell you mine.  These three silly things are in the context of sexual orientation.  I especially picked these three out of the other things down memory lane because ...

I will sit with you in the bar with a bottle of frozen cold beer in our hands. We will talk amidst the buzz and haze, eye to eye, lips to ear, lips to lips. We will get drunk. We will let ourselves get lost in dizziness and rubbish talks. I will listen to all of your drunken stories. You will laugh at it, laugh out loud for no apparent reasons. And I will listen to your stories. I will sit with you in the beach with a glass of thirst-quenching smoothie in our hands. We will talk amidst the heat and sweat, eye to eye, lips to ear, lips to lips. We will plunge into the sea. We will let the saltwater heals the wounds of our skin and soul. I will listen to all of your past heartaches. You will laugh at it, marveling how time indeed heals. And I will listen to your stories. I will sit with you in the porch with a cup of coffee in our hands. We will talk amidst the breeze and the chirps of the birds, eye to eye, lips to ear, lips to lips. We will relax our shoulders, close...

Below is my Basic Speech Project #1 piece. I opted to remove personal facts though. :) “Decide that you want it more than you’re afraid of it”, a line that has been my mantra these days. I believe most of us have some things that we fear of, right? Me, I’m afraid to talk or speak in front of an audience. Audience, guests, fellow toastmasters, ladies and gentlemen, good evening! Speaking in front of many people has always been a dreadful situation for me. This is because of some physical effect. I call it “the tomato syndrome”. This is a self-diagnosed condition wherein when I am tense, my body temperature will rise. If I touch my skin, I could feel the hot flashes as if I’m burning. I will have rashes all over my body, especially on my face. And I will look like an almost rotten tomato. I will have this some sort of allergic reaction when I get nervous. So I stay away from situations that would make me nervous. I excuse myself from spotlights, stage talks like this...

I like you a lot. Just thinking about you and that cute face of yours makes me smile. I imagine what it would be like if there'd be me and you. I giggle with that thought. I like your good-natured, soft-spoken ways. You're so gentle, laid-back... and you smell nice! The way you talk and stare and laugh with me, it melts my heart every time. I like you an awful lot. ---- I think about you so much. You're always in my head. You're always in my thoughts. You're becoming an obsession. I want to feel you. God, I prayed for you. I want you. ---- Now even I could tell That I confused my feelings with the truth Cause I liked the view Thought you felt it too When there was me and you I have hoped and dreamed and felt too much that I prayed there would be us. But I realize these are all just in my head. My feelings consumed me, made me see things that were not really there. I interpreted your stare as a gaze from someone who'd feel the same way as I do. I...

"Why can't you want me like the other boys do? They stare at me while I stare at you. Why can't I keep you safe as my own? One moment I have you the next you are gone. It's true I crave you. Rehearsed steps on an empty stage, That boy’s got my heart in a silver cage. I walked into the room dripping in gold, dripping in gold. A wave of heads did turn, or so I've been told, or so I've been told. My heart broke when I saw you kept your gaze controlled. Around his little finger, that boy has got me curled. I try to reach out, but he's in his own world. This boy's got my head tied in knots with all his games. I simply want him more because he looks the other way. Why can't you want me like the other boys do? They stare at me while I crave you. I am craving you." ~Flight Facilities - Crave you ---- Raise your toes up if you can relate! I can't help giggling.  There's just something about wanting someone who d...

"If I look back, I am lost" ~Daenerys Targaryen, A Song of Fire and Ice. Really, it absolutely tells my state of being right now. Looking back, I remembered how well he made me feel being loved. We were so cool. Love's been undemanding. We were so supportive of each other. We were happy. I was the greatest match ever for him. And then something suddenly happened. He said he would try to prove he can live without me. Of course, he can! But what's a relationship for if you'd have a mindset like that. I can live without him too, but why would I. I chose to be with him. But for him, he CHOSE to go on without me. He did not stick through the end. He... :( Love has been lost. Love faded and died. He fell out of it. It is said that, "Love does not die easily. It is a living thing. It thrives in the face of all life's hazards, save one: neglect". Have I been neglected? Or have I neglected him?  Have I neglected US?  If I look back, I am lost. ...

A prominent scar in the lower right area of his face. A birth mark or must have been a scar left from burns. He must have been in his late 20s or early 30s, can't specifically tell. He looks older but I can tell he's not that old yet. Skin is dark from too much sun exposure. Hair is wavy, dry and dirty. He seems like drunk or high on drugs in at least those times that I get to ride in his trike. And he talks, always talks, rubbish, filthy, inappropriate things. I tried to shrug off the fears thinking how can he do harm to me when there are so many eyes who can pinpoint him anytime. Every time I get to be his passenger, he says to no one in particular, "Ako sa ni ihatud akong asawa ha" (I’ll just take my wife to home ha). It's giving me a very disgusting shiver! The nerves! But I say nothing as always. And just pretend that I didn't hear anything at all. They are many actually. I guess they haven't seen a girl in their whole lives that wheneve...

I am writing this letter to share my feelings... hoping to sort my thoughts out, hoping to understand what's happening, hoping for everything to be alright... Dear My Turtle, 1. Anger... I don't like what's happening in our relationship now. I felt like it's getting worst. I am frustrated, feeling that it's only me who is working to make this all okay. I am angry that you seem to not taking any action to get back to me. I am annoyed by your disconnection and coldness. I am angry that you made me feel this way. 2. Sad... I am sad, so sad... I am sad knowing that you let this happen to us. I feel hurt for all of this disconnection. I feel so sad that you can make time for your new set of friends than make time with me. I am so sad that you don't want to be with me, that you are more excited to be with them and not with me, even excluding me totally out of the picture. I am so hurt... 3. Fear... I am afraid that you will totally stop caring. I am ...

Hey, it's been a long time. Sorry for being out for too long, for not taking time to write things to you. I'm back! Know what... the colors have been gloomy these days. It's been hard times. No, I'm not remembering you just because of these hard times. It's nothing like that. It's just that you are the only friend that I can think of right now. The only friend that I can turn to. You and Music. But Music is more like telling me what to do and what to feel. I've been feeling a lot lately. And I just wanted to have an outlet. Someone that I could talk to, someone to listen... not knowing, not judging, but just letting me be. I know you can give me that, CrayonedThoughts. Thank you! :) But in all of these, I'm looking forward to seeing Orange again, you know the warm and lively one.

If I were to take an exam with a question that goes something like "how do you feel today?” then I would definitely fail. Because I don't know what I am feeling right now. I could think of some words like irritated, confused, bothered... but I believe they're not quiet what I feel. Perhaps anxious. Anxious about what? – I do not know! I don't really know. Could someone please tell me? I would surely appreciate it! Okay, let's just charge this to you hormones. Yes, you, who, in a state of the art ability, never fails to make changes monthly. Maybe that would ease me knowing the reason why I feel what I'm feeling. Sometimes knowing why we feel some feelings helps us overcome it. And that's what I need right now. Suck it up, hormones!

How I miss you... I miss putting my nose on you. I miss your scent. I miss your hugs. I miss you! But you're miles away. It’d be three months of longing and missing; but also three whole months of feeling the excitement to be with you again. :) So right now, let me just listen to these songs that remind me of you. Songs that make me wanna jump and be held in you arms. Songs that make me fall in love with you over and over again. I'm drowning over this lyrics, "I'm dying inside to hold you..." because I am. But the song that really tops it all is Lovesong by The Cure. Thinking that... "Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again" and "However far away, I will always love you". :)) One of the bonds that keep us together is some good music... :)

I wonder how life would be without music. Where would we find a voice when words fail us? Where would we pour our lungs out when others can’t seem to notice our screams? Where would we find refuge when confusion stirs our hearts? Where would we find a song to turn to just to feel understood and never alone? Where? Where? Where? The wheres could go on… and I can just imagine such a sad and gloomy life. Thankfully, it isn’t. And that’s because we have Music! Thank you, Music. You’ve always been there to speak and listen. You’ve always been a shelter to rest upon this wary heart. Thank you for being with me on these days when you seem like my only friend. And you’ve been a good friend. These thoughts… my thoughts… here they are again. So now, let me blast you, so I won't hear them.

2 a.m. and sleep is a struggle, Outside it starts to drizzle, The supple bed's not been helpful, Nor the soft music, not at all. What occurred in the afternoon between 5 and 6 p.m., Seems like a fateful dream, Mind keeps repeating, The scene that's happening. At the park in my usual afternoon rest, You come and sit to me next, We just sit there not saying anything, Could have said something, but nothing. We watch the sun sets together, Delighting its beauty and wonder, Catching some breath that’s hard, Thinking had destiny dealt its card. After seems like a decade passed, You stand and leave fast, Feeling awed, never bad, Thinking, t’was the best conversation I ever had.

Hey, Crayoned Thoughts! I’ve been having a lot of thoughts about you lately. For certain, what am I going to write about for this joyful season! It’s December and it’s Christmas! Then there’s also the New Year coming (well it would about to happen this midnight!) and the thoughts of New Year’s resolution and all. There would be lots and lots of things and happenings to write about. But I was too busy to spare a silent and thoughtful time and dissolve myself into writing. I had – or rather, we (Y and M) had – come up a list for all of my (our) goals for the year 2012. Y and M insisted to have a hundred list of goals to accomplish for next year. But again I was too busy and a hundred is just too many to think about. I was being the realistic me again thinking that if ever I will think of something to accomplish just for a whole year, then it would be doable or achievable in just a year time. And doing a hundred is just too way too many. I was thinking a ten would do. But these ...

This is fun. Two of my close friends, Y and M, and I are having this daily chat. Recently, M pops a miss-universe-like-question to us just to stir up our minds. And I enjoyed every bit of it because I just love that type of conversations. And here’s M’s miss-U-question yesterday… “If You Could Do One Thing For Free For The Rest Of Your Life, What Would It Be?” Good question, right? And without a second, I already have my miss-U-answer in thoughts. “To be of service to the less fortunate people, to educate, to give home and care, ALL for free for the rest of my life”. Bang! But that sounds heavy and dramatic. And I have this tendency to stay away from those. Though, hearing the same answer from Y and M did not sound heavy and dramatic at all. Anyway, so I gave a different answer. Trying to be witty, I exclaimed, “free hugs!” and did a good laugh. But then as we talked, I realized that I did like my "free hugs" answer. Conceited much? Hehe. I like it because it’s ...

Meet In-in. Well, I don't know her and neither does she know me. Haha. I just saw her in facebook; thus know her name. Here she is… She’s a beauty, right? Those dreadlocks, the coolest I’ve seen. Super cool, I wanna have one!  I really find her pretty. The photo is good, I get that. Had this been captured in a low quality camera, the output would not be the same. Maybe. But beyond that, this captures that distinct charisma of her, that i-totally-rocked attitude which you will know by just staring at her.  I’ve read that she surfs too. Can I be like her, even just for a year? Minus the smoke. I’ve also read that she smokes. I don’t want that. Though I don't mind her or someone else smokes. We have to respect individual preferences and lifestyle, right? More of her here  http://tinyurl.com/6n927e3 This is just one of those passing times when you see someone so cool that you wish you'd be like him or her. Again, it’s...